” I put the two rocks here.”
About a month ago I was sitting at the airport in Athens at gate B7. I had just bought a yogurt bowl and iced coffee before my flight. And it hit me. My uncle was gone. My uncle is gone. I was going home and this would be the first time my Uncle Nick wouldn’t be there to pick me up. I sat there, waiting to board my flight, crying ugly tears for twenty minutes. I gently slid my yogurt bowl off my lap and looked up to see no one had noticed. Then, I placed my hands back over my eyes and cried some more.
I got the news about my uncle at three in the morning. I woke up and checked my phone only to find out that my life would be forever different. The next couple of days before my flight I decided to numb the sadness. I drank, ate chocolate, kept working my shifts, numbed the pain and tried to find happiness in the world that was around me. It wasn’t hard to have separate worlds and to disconnect.
This past month I have been with my aunt, waking up and going back to sleep. We passed the days at coffee shops and got excited about new scone flavors. This month I also have been doing yoga every day at a little studio just minutes away from our house.
Each class starts with clearing the mind, breathing and softening the eyes. Soften the eyes. Each time she says those three words I sink deeper into my mat trying not to cry. Sometimes, for no reason at all, tears leave my eyes and I wipe them away hoping that no one notices.
Tonight I did just that, awkwardly wiping the tears away. I had an entire hour and a half to get through and tried my best to clear my mind. As I laid there, breathing in and out, a memory popped into my head from the camp about this little boy in camp named Kent*. We weren’t supposed to have favorites, but if he wanted a paper airplane I’d make it. If he wanted a paper mask for his face I’d make it. And if he was getting picked on by other kids I wanted to protect him. Kent was maybe eight years old and incredibly smart. He would tell me stories about his time in Moria and he always wanted to jump rope. And one day, when a friend and I were walking back from the washing machines, we saw him standing over an open fire. Usually these stacked cement blocks were used to encase a small fire for people to cook on. But this particular night Kent was standing with his friend around the flames. He was just staring at it, no adults were around. I didn’t really think much about it. Kent looked us, stared back at the fire and said ” I put the two rocks here.” For some reason I couldn’t stop laughing. I had no idea why he said this but it was adorable, in an ‘ am I in trouble’ kind of adorable way. He stared back at the fire and confidently said to us that the rocks were there but thinking back I think he was telling us that everything was okay. Even though no grown ups were around and even though they were so young and just playing with fire, they were okay.
Just as Kent stared at the fire, that should have concerned me, he was reassuring me that everything was fine. I didn’t need to worry, he had two rocks there, he had it under control. Insert metaphor, life is the flame that is uncontrollable and scary. I am Kent, walking around this world without grown ups. And everyone else is laughing, worried, concerned, confused etc. But it’s okay. It’s under control. Joy comes in little memories. I may be crying at yoga class a little more than I should. I may not have all my funds in for my ministry school coming up. I may not always remember to pay my credit card bill on time. And it may have been a hard month and honestly I still don’t know how to deal with the loss of my uncle. But folks, it’s going to be okay. I mean look, I put the two rocks here.
* the little boy from Syria wasn’t actually named Kent, but I changed his name for safety reasons.
My Uncle Nick and me fishing when I was younger.
update for the last month.
I have been in the states but didn’t turn my phone back on. If you called or sent me text, I unfortunately didn’t see it. You can email me or send me a message on messenger. I’d love to hear from you. I am leaving this weekend and start my ministry school in less than two weeks. I am thankful for the friends who have reached out, called, prayed, drove hours to see me, and thankful for the ones who have also extended me grace when I didn’t answer the phone. Please be praying for the next couple months and for my time in the Middle East.
Also hallelujah + big praises! I am done raising money for CGA. If you have it set up in your account to donate monthly, you will need to cancel it. But if you would like to keep supporting me towards my ministry school in the Middle East I would be so grateful and blessed.
You can donate on my pay pal account : [email protected] or at this site on my youCaring page : https://www.youcaring.com/ashleighkincade-971788
Thank you + many blessings
with love,
Ashleigh
