For the past couple of months I have fought being still. Each anxiety and desire kept me numb to the point where I would collapse on the floor complaining to my roommate that I don’t feel genuinely alive.
Three days ago that’s where I was. Face to the floor, legs and arms sprawled out dramatically telling my roommate…
” I jumped in the lake because I thought that would make me feel alive again. “
Hours before I jumped in the lake I was numb and unable to move from my green chair in the living room. It’s one of my favorite spots in the entire house. From this chair I see our home’s dreamy windows that let the soft light in each morning. I see the leaves on the trees outside. Most nights I can watch as the sun goes down and the sky turn shades of orange and pink. I have cried in this chair. I have worshiped in this chair. I have napped for hours in this chair.
You see, the crazy thing is that sometimes that happiness completely leaves me immobile and lost in my empty thoughts.
Three days ago I was just that. Still, bound to my little green chair staring out the window for two hours. Unable to decide what to do in my present state when my future seemed inadequate.
I sat for another thirty minutes before I decided that I should go jump in the lake. I drove the fifteen minutes, walked barefoot into the lake and just stood still. My legs adjusted to the water’s cold temperature as I stared at the trees.
As I dove in and opened my eyes I thought about how alone I was. I thought about my next season, knowing it may be a time where I am in fact really alone.
Immediately I got out of the water and watched as the sun went down. I didn’t notice before but the leaves were changing from green to bright orange and red. The lake felt so cold because soon it will be winter. I realized then that slowly, the seasons had been changing around me.
Just as the seasons change from summer to fall, my life alters and transitions as well. My hope is that I open my eyes again to His beauty all around me and to feel alive by His creation. I may feel surrounded by fear and doubt but I am actually surrounded by His perfect grace and love. I pray that I can adjust my thoughts and trust God is confident in me. I pray that I can wake up each day and know God sees me just as I see the leaves…beautiful, refining and alive.
